I have wanted to post about this topic, since well, forever. But, given the very LDS nature of the blog world, never knew just what to say.
Interesting discussions HERE
Many of you know I used to be Mormon. Now I am not. I always found it so odd that I never once was asked "why or what happened, or why did you stop going to Church?" I didn't even so much as get a call from my Bishop at the time. It was like, when I messed up in the smallest way, you better believe people were watching and waiting to point it out, but when it came to making the monumental decision to leave... POOF! I was gone.
Don't get me wrong, at this point in my life, I'm ok with everything. I'm not bitter or hurt or angry. Just mostly perplexed. I understand people probably didn't know what to say to me, so they just said nothing. When I was an active member, I remember vividly having many discussions involving people who were "inactive" or who were "lead astray." The active members seemed so concerned with getting them back into the fold. Well, that and talking badly about the person who left. So when I did eventually leave the church, on some level, I was not surprised that there was absolutely no resistance, but on the other hand I always wondered why no one seemed the least bit concerned.
Anywhoo, that link is for an awesome forum going on right now about Mormonism. It's not hostile from either side. I think it's great to talk about this stuff openly and honestly and if you agree, check it out.
6 comments:
Glad you posted the discussion.
Personally, I have been less active on a regular basis for a year. This isnt my first time to be inactive. It hasnt been b/c I dont believe in Mormonism or the church, but b/c I have always felt judged by clueless and naive women especially in my ward. Judged b/c I say what I mean, b/c I have life experiences that contradicts traditional beliefs, b/c I can think for myself. In my opinion, the other women dont know how to react to me.
I still believe in the church. Through blogging and the confidence I have gained through interactions with other individuals (not all the greatest) I am making preparations to become active again. However, when I do make the conscience choice to go back regularly, I will be doing it my way. And if anyone thinks otherwise, well I hate to burst their "bubble."
Hey Katy,
How funny is it that I read C Jane's little blog frog thing, and then went back to my reader and clicked on this, and immediately thought "wow! small world!"
As a former member of your ward, I'd like to say a couple things.
1. I just figured that you were working as a lifeguard on Sundays and little things led to other little things that led to bigger things and then you weren't active anymore. I didn't realize you didn't consider yourself Mormon until I started reading this blog, and by this point it was so far down the road I thought why bring it up?
2. I think that the youth of the ward we grew up in got hit pretty hard. Whether it was temptation, pride, selfishness, the devil's minnions--whatever you want to call it. Especially your graduating class. I can't believe some of the things that have happened to your old crowd. I wish you hadn't slipped under the radar. I'm sorry no one reached out to you. I can still feel that pain, all these years later. I am so sorry.
3. Unfortunately, the members of the church don't have the same stamina that the Gospel does. So some members are rock solid and others are not so much. When people move in & out of a ward, the whole ward changes. I loved my YW president, Sister Martineau. With my whole heart. I'd have done anything she had asked. Too bad she was only my president part way through when I was a Laurel. I never went to mutual or whatever all through the youth program just because I didn't think anyone cared if I went or not. (and I still don't think they did). When she got called to be YW Pres she would show up at my house and take me. I learned first hand what a widespread effect one person can have because of her. She's the only reason I even graduated from YW. Too bad they moved away before I graduated from high school. Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to say.
4. I get what you're saying because my family (read: me and my mom) moved to Utah one week after I graduated high school. My mom found a job up there 3 months before I graduated. I told my friends at school, and I told our neighbors, church peers, church leaders, etc. Did they listen? No. They just forgot about it since they were so focused on their own struggles in life. The week before we moved we asked if we could have help loading the van, and people were like "you're moving?" I still get crap about this---its insane. Just last week someone I went to high school with left a rude message on my facebook saying something about how I went AWOL after HS graduation. Ridiculous! I think that people just get caught up in their lives, especially right there at the end of high school, and don't pay attention to what is going on around them. And unfortunately they probably learn this from their parents.
5. I'm not really interested in living in AZ ever again for a variety of reasons, but one of those is a huge one and it has to do with the "culture" of the church in AZ. I know not all wards and neighborhoods are uppity like this, but ours definitely was. I've just run into too many people who are into appearances and don't really care about helping one another. At the end of the day that is what the church is all about. I think people forget that---we're all just here on earth trying to do the best with what we've got. Give us a break. I loved that video of Rachel at Harvard and agreed with what she said, 100%. I doubt that I will ever live in "The Mormon Belt" ever again, mostly because of experiences I had growing up with culture clashes. And I'm okay with that. I believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the restored church of Jesus Christ, and I feel I can better serve HIM by living in a very diverse environment away from places like Mesa. Kind of ironic, but whatever.
6. This one is for Screwed Up Texan:
I read your comment on the forum over at Blog Frog, and I get you. My parents divorced when I was 9 (and I come from a long line of LDS on both sides). Talk about drama. Our neighborhood at the time was about 90% LDS and it split down the middle as far as "choosing sides" for who was in the right in my parents' divorce. My mom, dad, and siblings and I all suffered a great deal by people in that neighborhood. I doubt they even realize the pain they caused us with their uncharitable comments, or refusal to associate with us so they wouldn't be 'tainted.' For a long time I had questions no one could answer. Luckily I stuck it out and finally got some answers to my prayers. But it is truly easy to go inactive, especially when the people around you who have been given "enlightened" instructions on how to live don't make good on those instructions. I think I may battle the lure of inactivity my whole life, to be perfectly honest. I think the thing that made me stick to this Gospel is that I finally got my own testimony, my freshman year of college. I had little experiences before that from time to time, but ultimately that freshman year made me rock solid in my belief/knowledge that the Book of Mormon really was translated by the power of God. I'm thankful for it. And that same year I realized that when it comes down to it, I have to Act for myself, not React to other people and their negative energy and limited understandings. Those 2 things have prevented me from leaving the church, many times. I just wanted to share.
Great thoughts, Amy.
I gained a testimony when I was younger...more on that in my story...but as I felt judged by others in my ward as I got older and then became a mommy and was judged even harsher (mommies can be the worst judges on other mommies). It was little things, but those little things added up and turned me off. For me, it is my confidence that will allow me to go back and face those other moms and other women. When I do go I will be perfectly honest with myself and with them on why I am there. I will give them other sides of the story and other views rather than the typical ones presented. I wont be afraid to stand up for what I believe...even if no one else agrees with me.
I'll try to be nice ;)
Katy,
Way to spurn a discussion on your own blog. I just had a couple of thoughts I wanted to share. Hope you don't mind.
I grew up in a part member family. My dad is Jewish, my mom Mormon. Oy Vay! With this upbrining I discovered a couple things about myself and the church.
*The church is a culture completely different from the gospel. The church has some interesting people in it. They can be self-righteous, receive "personal revelation" for you, give "helpful suggestions" when they are just so insulting, and be downright idiotic all in the name of "the church." We went inactive for years growing up due to some of the crap people said to my mom about my dad, and my brother. But then my mom brought us back years later. We had learned that there are two entities to the church. Which brings me to my next point...
*the gospel is the gospel, to me it's true and a guide in my life. It never changes, the Savior's love for me and you, and everyone, never changes, no matter what some self-righteous jerk says. But the gospel and the church are seperate. And in this Mormon culture it is hard to seperate the two.
The gospel is perfect, the members are far from it.
Katy, it sounds like what happened to you with going inactive and leaving was a rotten deal from the start. I do agree with Amy's assertion that the age group you were going through your struggles with (teenagers) is a selfish and egocentric bunch in general. It's just teenage nature.
You've really opened my eyes to this subject of people who go inactive and how to approach them. Thank you for your honesty. It's so refreshing. And will be helpful to me in my calling, (Stake YW presidency). Thank you thank you thank you.
Gosh this is lengthy and probably incoherent. I just woke up.
Really, I want to say I like you Katy tremendously in what ever faith you are. You are a great woman.
We should get together for Starbucks (I love their Hot Chocolate).
Oh yeah, and I just wanted to clarify my first comment: when I said I didn't realize until I started reading this blog, I did mean your actual blog, not this individual post. I've noticed some people call anything and everything blog instead of the actual website someone posts on. So I just wanted to make sure you (and anyone who cares) knew I was referring to when I started reading you who knows how many months ago. :)
I think everyone goes through stages of wanting to be and being inactive. Even those that 'seem' to be strong in the church.
I always felt so distanced from my friends in Mesa b/c of our move in 9th grade. I didn't know if it was my place to ask questions of why/how you went inactive. I understand that people need their space sometimes. I'm sorry I never asked, if that is what you wanted. I know you have learned many important things in your life that will be truly beneficial for you and I am satisfied with that. I don't believe that people have to be Mormon to get into heaven.
Mormons aren't the only good people and not all mormons are good. You can't judge a person by their religion, it's their actions that make them a good person.
I belong to a homeschooling group that has a lot of non-denominational Christians. Most of them are much better people than I am/ever could be. THEY are an example to me of how I should live my life. I have stopped looking to other LDS people around me for guidance, b/c we all know that most/a lot of LDS members in Mesa do not live their religion.
I am glad that you have found happiness in your life. You have a wonderful relationship with your husband. He is a good man and makes you very happy. I am glad that the church gave you direction/stability in your life during your teenage years. We all know those are the worst years to live through!
I would love to hear more of your story on your blog if you are willing to share. I do feel like I missed out on a lot of what happened in your teenage years since I wasn't around after we were 15.
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